You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
Randomize
