Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
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So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
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I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.