The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
