Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
Randomize
