For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
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He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
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I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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