I'm so fucking centered right now
Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
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Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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