He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
