Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
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