I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
