Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
Randomize
