i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
