i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
