party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
