I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Randomize
