I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
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im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
We left the knife in your bed.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
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I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
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