im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
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