Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
