I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
So gin and wine won't be happening again
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Randomize
