I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
It's never too late to be topless.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
