So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
