Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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