I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.