you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
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Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world