Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I could fuck to npr.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
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