Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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