Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
I can't watch pbs sober anymore
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
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