I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
Randomize
