i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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