Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Randomize
