My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Randomize
