Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
