i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Randomize
