i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
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