Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
