ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Randomize
