Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
