help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
Say something about gay babies.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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