he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Randomize
