I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Randomize
