they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
