I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
He did a backflip because drugs
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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