My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Every concussion has its silver lining
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
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