Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
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can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
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which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
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