im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Randomize
