I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
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You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
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Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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