oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
go do what you do best...puke behind churches
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
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