If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
