Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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