my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
