hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Randomize
