I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
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