I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
