I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Randomize
