Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Randomize
