she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
She swung at the pinata with crutches
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
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