shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Randomize
