She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Randomize
