There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Randomize
