I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
i drank out of a bidet.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
