I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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